…and I’m not even British.

So in my stupid arrogance, I wrote that thing on writing Prequel fanfiction right? So Kaz goes and makes this comment:

Kazerad says:

Aw, you missed the most important rule of making things: always break
rules intentionally. Like, make a story ABOUT a wholly evil character,
or where the bad grammar plays some role, or the monster’s visibility is
critical. Think of it as the /controlled demolition/ of rules.

That, my friends, is what I call a CHALLENGE!

Damned if I’m not going to try and take him up on that challenge and break all of my own rules.  Here’s what I’ve got to work with:

1. Disregard grammar.

2. Mix past, present, future tenses.

3. Have boring descriptions of scenery.

4. Load it up with well known tropes of all kinds.

5. Evil Villain that’s just Evil.

6. Viewpoint screwups

7. Lurid descriptions of the Evil Villain Monster.

8. White Knight that Katia swoons for because he’s so perfect.

9. Deus Ex Machina that comes out of nowhere to save the day.

10. Katia falls in love with Monster. (oops, that’s not breaking a rule. It’s just my typical oddball screwup),

10. Enough fanservice to cause massive nosebleeds from most of the male population.

What are the odds it will be the best thing I’ll ever write?

So here’s my current idea for a plot.

Weird demonic monster from another universe descends upon Tamriel as Katia is returning from Kvatch to take Quill’s stuff back. But before it can touch our pure, virginal Katia with its disgusting pseudopods, a white knight (that is suspiciously like me) rides in to save her from it’s evil and degenerate designs. (with a chapter of nothing but descriptions of the landscape). But even the brave heroic white knight

(me) cannot best the foul thing, so
white knight

(I) sacrifice
white knight

(my) life in exchange for the pure, virginal Katia’s because
white knight

(I’m) brave and self-sacrificing like that.

But then, unexpectedly and at the last minute, the thing’s mother comes to take it back home (I think I’ll call the monster “Trelane”). Grateful for all that
white knight

(I’ve) done for her, Katia smothers
white knight

(me) with kisses and falls hopelessly in love with
white knight

(me) because
white knight

(I) am so brave and pure.

And then more fanservice happens.

Top 10 on Amazon, I’m thinking.